I'm doing the exact opposite of what she wants as all she is asking for is for me to give her space and time. To this day she has no idea what a "priority" is even though I have tried to describe it a dozen time. No one can deal with all this without it. Submitted by Bea-nonadhd on Wed, 06/30/2010 - 23:30. Im done!!! What was supposed to be $2M in our 401k is zero. In addition, I feel like I get less than 1% of her attention, and any time together (talking or intimate) must be initiated by me. Why me? Go to a ADHD support group with her and talk to actual people who have a diagnosis and they will be happy to help put you on the track to finding a doctor and support for both of you during treatment. The odds are definitely against us as we got together young, the ADHD, we have a child with a chronic illness... maybe its time to say I can't do this anymore and morn the years of work I have put into this and move on. Submitted by Sueann on Tue, 06/01/2010 - 12:26. your husband will have to do the same they need to have the correct thought process we can't make them think the same way we think it's like we're on FM radio, and they're on AM and have no tuning button. In my case it ended up that my husband was a severe alcohic. My hubby has ADHD and a medical professional. What about a card and flowers every so often to let her know you care and love her. You have to fall in love again. Submitted by Joan T on Tue, 07/09/2019 - 15:48. Reading this for me is like reading my own experienced and feelings. I actually put there names, with sticky-notes on the backs of some paintings I have. Anyone one in need please feel free to use it. Tells everyone he is a "military man" when he was kicked out after 9 months 13 days for doing stupid stuff. This is where my thoughts are as well. I have not had to prompt her to study or complete homework. Look at what your husband did to you. I never in a million years suspected could have ADHD until my granddaughters were diagnosed and they act just like I did at their age. It appears (I'm not sure) he feels that he can never change. Submitted by SherriW13 on Wed, 12/29/2010 - 13:37, When my husband says "why?" There's no pill YOU can take that will change the 'magical thinking' that goes on inside the mind of an ADHDer. I thought I had signed up for a partnership, only to find out that I got stuck doing all the "unfun" stuff in our marriage with a man who seemed to not be tuned in at all. NO DICE! Lets move into finances. Therapy will start again soon too. My wife was a baptized Christian. I know his face is glued to … It took me 22 years of marriages to figure this out. Then a few months later after, oh no, the commitment word, he's not as interested and it turns into a strange game of being swept off your feet only to be ignored again by false commitments. Submitted by SherriW13 on Wed, 12/29/2010 - 10:46, My husband knows ALL of my favorites (color, drink, chocolate, places to eat, etc) but if we're having a conversation about something else, he "reads my mind" and can be VERY wrong a lot of the time. Like a broken record. Nope!!!!! You want to finally feel like your wife is truly being healed? Last night he broke up with me. He is on meds - they have increased his anger, and in a lot of ways made him harder to talk to. I have to make concerted and focused efforts to do things that normally people would just do and not have to think about, and sometimes I just dont do it. My husband will always do things that bug me, I will always do things that bug him, relationships must always be worked on, it is not easy but it can be so rewarding and worthwhile. It does not mean that anything would change in the marriage, she is probably just really struggling on her own. As you go through this journey though, (and it is a journey) put yourself in the driver seat and make decisions that you can live with. Man, I wish I was more aware of how I was and how damaged my marriage was before my wife made her mind up to divorce me, and this article and the next one "ADHD and Household Chores" seem to perfectly describe the very same reasons she gave up on me six weeks ago. She developed a relationship with another guy which was literally hundreds of texts and emails for a brief period of time - she lavished in the attention. Submitted by Resigned2B on Tue, 03/31/2015 - 06:23, I've been at this now for over 31 years. First off how I have basically had to raise our daughters as a single parent, because he was just always too busy with so many other things, I had to take care of everything, from infancy to the teen years. 15 years. I notice you write ADD and not ADHD. He is anatural born flirt, so I've let a lot of it go. Any normal person would have been begging forgiveness. It was a struggle at first for him when he got off the medication but after the first year, he started to do really well. I won't write anymore unless either of you ask me to. should I get mad at you for not being able to keep up? That feeling of bending over backwards to get things done, and getting screwed over in the end is the most painful feeling out there, especially when it comes from someone you love. Better to call it quits than live that way. You may be able to function with an untreated ADHD case, but someone with Bi-polar needs to be treated otherwise it can get worse, much much worse. ", The wise grandfather answered, "The one you feed,", UPDATE: 12/13/17 There might be hope but it is unlikely it’s in staying married to an ADHDer. Sure, he was an absolute hurricane in his daily life. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD several years ago and I knew about it prior to us saying I do. It is very lonely being in this kind of relationship. Like most here, at the time, I was just basking in the beauty that is the hyperfocus of his ADD...and of course, it was all on me. I was married to an ADHD person for 7 years and had 2 kids with him and both of my boys have this condition, one is ADHD and is now 21, the other is ADD and 24 as well as married. Submitted by waynebloss on Thu, 12/30/2010 - 12:03. I mean everything - I did her dishes, I cleaned her closet, I cleaned the house, I paid the bills on time, I would even pick up her tampons (come on, I'm a guy....I'd do it once in a while but it was clockwork). I have a sex drive but feel like I am being taken advantage of yet in another way and not cared for. I could hardly speak....I became over whammed with pain, fear and yes happiness. Never yelling or nagging. We absolutely do not discuss any relationship problems this night either, we just hang out, laugh, go to dinner and/or a movie or make dinner together on the grill, sit outside with our tiki torches lit or enjoy a movie at home. Like it's me - I caused this. Eventually you realize you are facing life's challenges along because he is so sidetracked. I feel like I am a single mom, which is something I never anticipated. My aunt always says, you can't stay married if you don't get anything out of it. I have been seperating what affects my partner only, what affects us, and what affects me. We don't have that kind of money. Leslie is a holistic therapist working in South Florida. 3 of mine have it and several of my grandkids have been diagnosed. Now 2 yrs later, 18 yrs in the relationship with him I m so angry, resentful, hurt and defeated! This is  his first councilor appointment, but was diagnose about 7 yrs ago. So I asked that one of us move into the guest bedroom. Has he forgotten about the fourteen years I've already given him?!? I've only been stressed to my absolute limit pretty much 24/7 for 20 years, I mean how much time could I possibly need? She knows I will do anything to work on the marriage. He began reading it and has highlighted parts of the book. Thank you thank you thank you  thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!! He told me he has done nothing wrong in this relationship - so I guess that means I am again the bad guy!!!. Tried everything since I was diagnosed at 8 yrs and cant function without Vyvanse I gave it an honest try for 3 years and just like every other time off meds I spiraled. I don't want to lose him. I always went to bed alone, i raised the kids alone, i was lonely and miserable. Melissa Orlov offers a number of seminars across the country to help those married to ADD/ADHD. © 2021 by Tango Media Corporation All Rights Reserved. He will want to start saving for retirement and trips because this means spending time with you free from all the pressures of work. Great ....until I return last night, excited with a couple of project in which I may play a key role. I hope some of this has helped you in your decision and I really hope you have not given up on your husband yet. Every case is different, in different ways and I am not a doctor, or an expert by any means, but the major themes that you are describing remind me more of Bi-polar than ADHD. That this just could be part of the cycle madness that ADD'ers put us through as they weave thier web of mass manipulation? If there is a way to get your spouse to go to an ADHD coach you might have a chance working together. I just want to start off by saying that I'm really sorry that your wife blames you for your relationship, but I can honestly say, that you seem like a really great person, who just wants to make things right by your wife. Must you always think the worst? The only reason that marriage disintegrated is because he started self medicating with drinking and other substances. He can work on it as well. Any amount of time in an abusive marriage is too long. we talk too much because that is how we think. My question is...........whats the best way to bring this up to her? My friends husband has been going through a tough time and the other night she explained to me about how people with adhd have these problems. There are so many ways to compwnsate for things I suffer from, which he knew he day I met him because I told him I had stuff wrong & the meds I took. It is a constant struggle for him to stay organized but I know he can do it with some gentle persuasion and help. tick. I am constantly cleaning, cooking, taking care of kids, etc. Now, we've been married for a month. His excuse is that he has a hard, laborous and stressful job. And it will never get to me. Since I've taken over the finances and controlled spending, we haven't missed a beat. He tells me now just to leave him. I took over the bills in September and we both try to assist with making plans but that has gone to hell!. I try to answer but honestly I feel trapped when people can reach me all the fucking time. BuzzFeed Staff. Submitted by Stellaaaaaaaa1234 on Fri, 03/13/2020 - 16:07. Discussing marital topics was a worse offense to my wife than a real affair. We finally lost our house and are now going through a divorce because he was unable to consider me a partner. Sorry but I've been there done that. Submitted by defeated on Sat, 02/08/2014 - 17:42, Submitted by chicmama on Sun, 09/23/2012 - 13:18. I just want to encourage you....With wisdom and acceptance, you can move forward....Just guard your heart from anger and bitterness....See it for what it is....And set boundaries that will limit the effect of her life style on everyone...Word of warning right here, if someone has been having their way at the peril of others, they want like boundaries.....But in long run it's the only way.... LIke I said earlier ( maybe to you?) One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. I am fortunate that my husband is about to start medication and therapy. I haven't been on in here in a bit. I would only do this in certain circumstances that are fairly straight forward, and do not involve a lot of possible misinterpretation. In the past, she just did not follow through cause her attention was so distracted. This isn't an accurate reading of the situation (both people always play a role) but an understandable one. He experienced a myriad of crisis situations, including rehab, jail, etc. Doing everything, including getting a second job, because in the two years we've been married, she hasn't been able to bring in any money. Also things like bank accounts n' stuff that wives generally see all the time. My biggest goal at this point in my life is to start a family of my own but as our problems got worse, I started to resent my wife. My wife still assumes that I am thinking negative thoughts about whatever she asks me! Only after he hit his bottom, got sober, and agreed to work with me instead of against me, did things start to get better. I had no idea I was marrying a man who would not carry his share of the burdens of life, either financial or domestic. We don't really have anyone we can ask to watch him. Submitted by robinshusband on Thu, 06/03/2010 - 10:29. He is so defensive.. Now lets talk about driving.. Perhaps you can get involved in something you both have a passion for. She always had to be the "Bad Guy" and bring the issues to life, because I did not see them, or felt so bad about them, that I could only hope they went away, because I damn sure couldn't talk about it. We need family we can depend on. For this reason, you must: ... Make the extra effort to recognize how important it is to pay attention when your partner is speaking to you. I've stayed for thirty years. Submitted by YYZ on Thu, 12/30/2010 - 10:31. In my case, when his ADHD lying started to unravel — his unforgettable response was, “You were never supposed to find out.” Really? Hi there. Now this. Submitted by Christmas_2009 on Sun, 10/19/2014 - 17:18, Submitted by Resigned2B on Fri, 10/17/2014 - 11:04. So my brain is torturing me. Which makes me happy and I am thankful that I have the ability to give her FINALLY what she asked for. I had to know if I was totally out of line like he said I was - that the problem was only me. He makes excuse after excuse, lies, and refuses to stay on the meds. You're right. The answer is -- not ONE thing. ... Write Down Communication to Your Partner. My house was not messy but it wasn't spotless. He needs and so does his counselor need an "outside" view of what has been happening. I found that when I stopped nagging him and came to the realization that I can't change him but I can change the way I react to him, things started to change. Please ... is there hope that one day, some fine one day, he will support me as much as I support him? He goes from crisis to crisis...some are self-created, some are from his environment. Eventually, I forgave him and I moved on and I no longer had the need to hear him vocalize his accountability for his actions (although he still does often, he does it of his own free will). Submitted by Stellaaaaaaaa1234 on Fri, 03/13/2020 - 15:51. My daughter does not have it. There is a book I'd recommend - "living with ADHD when you're not the one who has it'. Welcome. I am a Christian too. I have spent thirty years if this and we have six children. by early evening, it feels as if I've been trying to read in a language I dont speak wearing glasses that make  the letters blury. I took Friday as a chance to finish projects that I did not finish, read some books and visited friends. I had a new job and befriended a co-worker and asked her opinion about some things my guys friends would be useless to ask, and things that would cause friction between females in my family and my wife. Iam going in on Monday to see if I am ADHD. But when we hear that tone it is over, the walls come out, the missiles and guns come out and we are ready for war faster than you can blink. I already told you in another post that I think you're getting somewhat of a raw deal. I am in shock and in utter disbelief. How do you find one? Those who choose to endure the pain for so long, like I have, often have had a lifetime of other betrayals in their past from parents, other significant relationships and so forth. It wasn't until I googled ADD today that I realized that all the problems I have had with him are pretty much a result of his ADD. I haven’t been outside the house doing something I enjoy with anyone other than my family for over five years at least. Submitted by Juliew071 on Thu, 02/05/2015 - 14:38. That you show her you are capable of change by demonstrating concrete, continuous results over time without requiring instantaneous feedback. They are flat out wrong. Submitted by SherriW13 on Thu, 12/30/2010 - 10:24. Yesterday we had our first really good conversation since this all went down, I've been a real ass the last week with my obsession on trying to fix the mariage. He has said so many hurtful things!!! I don't see how you can stand it. It will not matter where she does it at, if she has that attacking tone he will not listen to her and his mind will shutdown and go on. He walks out of the house without saying goodbye or where he is going (no job location). I have no family and no support. This makes him accountable and responsible for himself and you aren't enabling. And surely that is the caveat - being willing to try to change. I know we are a great team  and now knowing how to work with adhd I know we can be very happy together. Our sex life is ... iffy. I would have a very frank conversation, don't pull any punches or sugarcoat. I spent a year in therapy figuring out what I wanted - I didn't want to have to be the control freak, I wanted a partner, I wanted someone who would come to bed with me, who wanted to have sex, who would be conscious of my needs. I would ask this question to you - what is she doing to help her own situation? I am sometimes in the need of direct reassurances or an adult response (not defensive and angry) and I don't always get that. But now I am having issues with her, which I do not like, but it is just how I feel. Probably not best to confront him with that though, trust me, he will figure it out on his own if you change the way you react to him. I guess I'm learning she was hyperfocused on me during dating, and she completely turned a corner one we were married. He knew he was add - he just ignored it. In my day, ADHD was considered a form of mental retardation. How much we are willing to take on and accept is the core question. sound like you've had enough! I always clean up after my husband mess plus the kids. This was VERY dangerous. I really need some help here  - thank you! I have spent my life awaiting a change that I now know will never come and now have no idea how to get out of this. He's loves me just the way I am and I'm a very lucky woman. Well as you know by now that all wears off, because the "hyper focus" ya it goes away and you're back to being a parent to someone you once loved and wanted to be in love with. It doesn't matter if I remind, help or do those things for her, within a few days everything is forgotten in favor of work, TV and her iDevices (mostly work). Submitted by mepiru on Thu, 12/30/2010 - 23:18. I understand how focused he gets at work but  I feel unvalued it was something he couldn't tell me even in chatting about how his day was. Its sort of hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to like you very much. Thank you so much! I bought the book "couples guide to thriving with adhd" it was like reading about our relationship. Don't get me wrong. You just simply pass the baton to some poor, unsuspecting victim... :(, Submitted by frankieandpetie on Tue, 03/31/2015 - 10:07. I was just the housekeeper. But you'll find you still have the reminders. Hi, cactus. However, when I've spoken to him before about things that bother me, it's all seems so silly to him and he sees no reason for me to feel that way. I ask if I can please go and see his doctor with him. Plus, he had no idea he had ADHD then. And instead of wasting thirty years it will be over forty! That has gotten me into a heap of trouble!! We at this forum definitely wish to be an outlet for you, and an understanding and empathetic audience. She will literally TAKE time from us to go and relax. Submitted by kenya on Sun, 01/03/2010 - 11:39. well this site is a start.. if you hear of anything else I'd be open to knowing about it.. I am lonely. I'm the calm one he listens and try's to compromise or pick my battles. I have no time left for myself or my REAL child. I was about to give up when he found me online. Would you be up for a conversation via email? I can tell you that adding children to the mix does NOT make it any easier. My husband will always do things that bug me, I will always do things that bug him, relationships must always be worked on, it is not easy but it can be so rewarding and worthwhile. These are things that I have to weigh which brings me to the message board for help, ideas, etc. Submitted by didier on Wed, 05/14/2014 - 02:16, Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Sat, 04/13/2019 - 19:09. I'm still have mixed feeling about us and how this will be in say 6 months, but for now I'm trying to take things one day at a time...that's all I /we have anyway. Thanks for all of your comments. but knowing does not get it done and know matter how many times you tell us how YOU do it...we wont be able to do it that way. Has anyone ever found out what causes this illness?? But how can you expect change when she has no diagnosis and no treatment? The good news is that ADHD is not found in Heaven. Submitted by Kate (not verified) on Tue, 11/06/2007 - 10:50, Submitted by campari (not verified) on Tue, 10/30/2007 - 11:36, Submitted by Jan Callahan (not verified) on Tue, 10/30/2007 - 10:19, Submitted by RShoe (not verified) on Tue, 10/23/2007 - 01:48, Submitted by G McD (not verified) on Sun, 09/23/2007 - 12:15, Submitted by Mo Gillis (not verified) on Mon, 07/30/2007 - 05:34, Submitted by Bea-nonadhd on Sun, 01/03/2010 - 03:38. Use of ADHD medicine reduced the likelihood of committing a crime by 32% in men, and 41% in women. Do you still love her? Now it’s coming back again. It just seems like i'm dreaming for the impossible. After I read what you wrote I went in and burst into tears and told him I was sorry for ruining his life with my problem. that may or may not be related to the ADHD and I empathize with the very difficult choice you are faced with. I feel that I have scratched the surface and need to keep working. He also said he wouldnt mind still talking on the phone because he enjoyed that with me … editreply, My ADD partner genuinely encourages my interest in outside activities; i.e., theater. I know full well I have not responded to him appropriately all of the time, but there are many, many, many times that I have. That phrase means to me now, "Stop talking. I responded well to Adderall and things are better for me and my family. But anyway don't put yourself down. However, I've not had one comment on what it was that drew me to this site to begin with. If she went to a psychiatrist would you go with her and talk to the doctor? That is the problem. I just can't take it anymore. Or hear him saying I love you to them either. You also deserve the chance to go out and enjoy that life you've just started. I do love my wife and I have hope but this is so painful. She's the one I called when I was distracted by my barking dog and put down the loaded 45 I had in my mouth. Those are some big realizations I have had. - Cannot say "no" at work, but takes on way too much and then must work weekends and late nights to catch up (to the detriment of family time and couple time). I am sorry you are going through this. I've bought book upon book, I've joined groups I've talked to many many people, and the only conclusion I can come up with is I can educate myself until the cows come home, but it's not going to help until my husband learns how to deal with this CURSE on a daily basis, not just when I flip my lid. You make a very good point...about needing time in counseling for yourself...I agree with that, it just seemed like you were saying something different in the other post. My DH complained that he didn't like his med's - couldn't give a concrete reason or example of what he didn't like about them - and went off of meds for a month (w/o telling anyone what he was doing). Even just reading the posts of women venting inspires me because I now know I'm not alone!! We haven't had sex in 5 months, and quite honestly I hate him. :o). She needs to be educated on it and so do you. I hope your husband, who knows of his ADD, can re-ignite his mind on how it affects you before it's too late. SO, he says if he is fine at work, it is not him, it is me, (again). I miss his company and the companionship. WEll, unfortunately, the questions she will be asking herself are:  "Can I go back to this man who has caused me so much grief, voluntarily and happily? It was not until we began to learn more about the condition and  understood better what was going on with him that we committed to each other to work with our relationship. If a spouse is covering up something and wants to be independent and not talk or share, they will try to hide and will divert the accusation and not directly address the problem. I have an old car and he has a new 60,000 one. He really does not always make it easy to 'communicate' with him....so sometimes my 'assumptions' are made because I cannot get a straight answer from him or because he doesn't always make himself clear or 'easy to access'. When you read my story please come back to the thread and ask me anything you'd like. He has gone on dating sites, when I show him proof, says he had no idea it was a dating site. It hurts our manhood, it crumbles out core of who we are, so forgetting about the "tone" is not something that will happen in the 1st couple of sessions. Just remember this - it's not okay for him to say, "Well you knew I had ADHD when you married me, so deal with it". I took responsibility for EVERYTHING. I guess it is irrelevant whether she buys the ADD thing or not, it hurts, but If I continue to act better maybe we can save the marriage. Just take it a few baby steps at a time. Unfortunately, our children feel pretty much the same about him, but they realize that they can leave and have a life of their own, so they can deal with him on their terms. As you said, old habits die hard...for all of us. Do you still love her? They offer different types support groups for people in your area. I really could connect with what you shared! You have now disclosed enough information for me to understand where this is headed. Submitted by Sueann on Sun, 08/21/2011 - 00:34. Yes I also acknowledge that I am to blame because I would just pick up the pieces for him and I let go of myself and my needs. If she says "Wayne checked out of the marriage and acted like a 3rd child while I did everything myself" then you say "yes, I did and for that I am truly sorry", If she says "Wayne cheated on me" then you say "yes I did..and I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I am a changed man and will never do that to you again". I stopped the nagging a while ago, does not work at all - trust me. There happened to be a divorced female that co-owned the shop he went to. Submitted by didilaughs on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 19:03. Her children, at least one of them, likely has it as well. All I really wanted to say was I really enjoyed reading your post and think I would have enjoyed knowing you. I am 55 now and I just can't function anymore. She just reacts so negatively to any discussion on her ADD behavior that I have stopped bringing up issues and have just tried to modify what I do to work "around" her. For some more than others, medication can mean a huge difference in one's presence in a conversation, as well as one's life in general. Submitted by Paul K on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 16:43. I was so used to being and doing things for myself. If he REALLY loved me why would he be so inattentive? Then come the excuses. I am always thinking about my actions, my thoughts and the tone/words I use during what little conversation we have. Anyways, I'm just so lost with all this. But he has 3 of his ex-girlfriends kids that he has claim to, of sorts. For once I want to live my life for me and what I want. We all deserve love and respect and certainly if we give, I say it's ok to expect some getting too. I don't want my marriage to end. Is there a safe place for us non ADHD spouses/partners to land with both feet on the ground without developing some sort of anxiety or stress disorder? And that I am assuming that his not needing to talk to me means he is talking to someone else. A few, like me are trying and still feeling our way through. So I have given you a very long winded answer. Submitted by waynebloss on Thu, 12/02/2010 - 14:32. I wish so badly that I could get back into his phone or his  computer !! It's an excuse to dig through saved items and drag them home. I want her to look it over and see where the issues are. Slowly at first but then quickly. Sad to have this in common with everyone here but this site is a safe haven and I am glad I've found it.
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